Rent-a-everything

Its interesting how our busy lives lead to weird and funny businesses popping up. A prime example being the “rent-a-X” services in Japan, where “X” could be anything you like, from a cat or dog to husband, mother etc etc.

The kind of contract that will exist for the rent-a-relative services intrigues me and makes me want to try them out at least once. Mainly because normal relatives, not being a business proposition, do not come with any rigid guidelines for behaviour. A parent’s duty, for instance, is defined that he should take care of his children, including something pleasurable like making kiddish sounds or taking a walk as well the less desirable aspects like changing nappies, cleaning up spilt food and wiping the floor when the child throws up. All this when the baby is healthy, lets not talk about when they get ill. If new parents are never warned by their elders, they would probably not have the foggiest clue about what all work they can expect from their children. But they roll with the punches, move on and very often land up doing a fine job of it.

A rented mother website on the other hand would probably have something like the following.

1. Basic mothering package – £40/session*

1 hour of walks, 1.5 hours of  “goo-goo” sounds, 2 nappy changes per session 500gms/session of spilt food cleaning up and 2 hours of trying to stop child from crying. Well suited to the average baby.

2. High poo-ers package – £50/session*

Same as basic mothering package but with 4 nappy changes included. Excellent value for those high-pooers or if your baby has an upset stomach.

3. High-work packages – £60/session*

1 hour of walks, 1.5 hours of  “goo-goo” sounds, 4 nappy changes per session 1500gms/session of spilt food cleaning up and 2 hours of trying to stop child from crying.  Good for hyperactive kids who cause a mess!

4. Bonanza package – £80/session*

2 hour of walks, 3 hours of  “goo-goo” sounds, 4 nappy changes per session 1500gms/session of spilt food cleaning up and 3 hours of trying to stop child from crying.  A fantastic way to pamper your tiny tot.

Extra charges

1. Extra Nappy Change – £10/change

2. Extra Walks – £5/hour

3. Extra “Goo-goo” sounds – £5/hour

4. Extra spilt food cleaning – £2/100gms

5. Extra time to stop crying – £5/hour

*Session lasts for 9am-5pm on weekdays and 10am-5pm on weekends. Inclusion of any religious activities in the session must be specified at time of booking. Nappies, food and cutlery charges not included in price. Illnesses charges extra. Terms and conditions apply.

I could go on, but I am sure you get the idea. Normal relationships have such a large tacit component that trying to put all of it in a contract for someone who is out to make as much money as possible would be an interesting exercise. To support this system we will then have computer applications to track the number of nappy changes and amount of spilt food your baby is responsible for and comparison websites in which the parent can input the desired parameters and find the best deal for his baby. At the end of it all, the industry will probably employ 10000 people who will be happy to have jobs.

My favourite was the one where women about to get married hired a husband to “get used to married life”. Ignoring the somewhat sidey male-prostitute idea this description evokes, my guess is the hired “husband” will have to spend his whole day being obnoxious, sitting in front of the TV without helping his wife, farting and burping all over the place and in general being a slob. This would prepare the soon to be bride for the very worst behaviour possible, ensuring that she will be able to handle her marital life with ease.  Acting like the laziest guy alive on planet and getting paid to do it? Now won’t that be an attractive job?