ramblings of an aimless mind

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Posts Tagged ‘funny stuff

Pun my soul!!

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I am a huge fan of puns. They can be delightful little buggers, completely undeserving of that accusation of them being the lowest form of wit. It takes sharpish minds and good command of language to create and understand one so I cannot see what is not to like.

Here are a few. I would love to claim them as my own but I ripped them off an email that reached me from the depths of the internet.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

9.Kings worry about a receding heir-line.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,
you’d be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’
The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Written by clueso

July 20, 2011 at 6:35 am

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IT’s Life

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“IT’s Life” is the title of a cartoon series I used to run while not having much to do in a previous job. I ultimately ended it when I switched jobs and had to actually work. By fortunate circumstance, I got hold of what I think are most of the drawings from that time and in a blatant act of self promotion, decided to publish them on the web.

The whole series can be downloaded from here. Hope you enjoy them, despite the atrocious artwork. Comments, especially favourable ones, are welcome. As for unfavourable comments, may be you could reconsider? It does make things a lot easier you know…

Written by clueso

May 16, 2011 at 10:19 am

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Tennis Humour

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I read this joke in a comment on a youtube video of last night’s Rome ATP final, where Djokovic did the impossible by dethroning Nadal.

Son: Mom, I want to play tennis like Novak Djokovic!
Mom: So does Nadal son, so does Nadal.

It was pretty good methinks 🙂

Written by clueso

May 16, 2011 at 9:40 am

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Shopping for luurve…

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As I logged out of Yahoo mail this evening, I was served up with the Yahoo homepage, a corner of which was filled with the usual “Now Trending” list. My eyes flicked over the list and noticed something different. So out of the ordinary in fact, that it made a curious bugger like me actually click the link to find out.

It appears that ASDA (Wal Mart’s branch in the UK) has just launched a dating site. The tagline on the site is…wait for it…”Compare your baskets…find love”. I understand and appreciate that everyone and their uncle wants a piece of the mega business that is online dating, but “compare your baskets…find love”? That had me in absolute stitches.

After startling everyone around me, wiping away the tears and massaging my sides till the pain had died down, I got thinking about how ASDA can implement the dating site on the basis of shopping habits. It is none of my business, but it seemed a lot more interesting than trying to figure out how electrolytic solutions behave when in contact with semiconductors. So here is what I think…

A detailed listing of all purchased items would be extremely helpful. Can you imagine how useful it would be to know shopping habits before asking someone out? Someone who has never bought meat or alcohol will probably not look too kindly on an invitation to the sunday roast at a pub. Before asking “would you like to get a coffee?” it would be very useful to know what sort of coffee they usually drink. If it was one of the organic fair trade ones where a farmer in Colombia gets a house for each bag he sells, it is probably best to suggest a different beverage. If you usually read the Financial times and the Economist, it is probably best to stay away from the person who buys The Sun and Hello magazine, no matter how cute they look.

It is also imperative to have data on shopping habits available for the past 2-3 years at least, to help people separate the liars from the truthful. That way anyone claiming to “enjoy an occasional drink with friends” but buying five bottles of vodka every week will set the alarm bells ringing. Same goes for “athletic” people who buy size 68 trousers, people with “beautiful hair” who buy hair growth stimulants and “tall” women who buy six inch heels. The long term data storage is crucial to avoid rigging the system by doing one shop full of carrots and peas and organic green tea so as to appear extraordinary.

A section on books would be another important source of clues about potential success. A woman buying books titled “How to find your dream guy in 10 days” or “He may be fat and ugly, but he is yours” is probably going through a dry spell and may not resist an invitation for dinner too much. On the other hand, if the person who has caught your fancy has just bought books like “Why men are lying thieving cheating ba****ds” and “Self defence made easy: How to maim and cripple in three easy steps”, it may be advisable to delay approaching them for a while. Unfortunately, I have no clue what sort of clues women can get from men’s literary shopping though. A variation in the quantity of porn magazines perhaps(?)

Finally, they should integrate this system with the loyalty card scheme. That way when you hand over your loyalty card at the end of the shop, the cashier can tell you that your dream man/woman is now finishing their shop a couple of aisles down and maybe you should wander over. It would give a whole new meaning to “check out” counters.

It is possible that ASDA have stumbled onto something big. Every new idea draws some laughs the first time it is suggested. Now I will wait and watch with bated breath if this idea is a success or if it lands up being a “basket” case.

Written by clueso

March 8, 2011 at 12:26 am

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Another advantage of doing a PhD…

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This article from the New York times popped into my RSS reader yesterday and obviously I was intrigued.

It is about how in the modern world it is not unusual to find women who earn more than their boyfriends/husbands and how this fact changes the dynamics of their relationship. Most of the article is devoted to anecdotal experiences, but one line near the end offering advice to successful women is what caught my eye…

“go after men who draw their confidence from sources other than money, like academics and artists.”

So PhD students and future academics have just become more attractive to successful women? Maybe there is a silver lining to this job after all 😉

Written by clueso

December 1, 2010 at 11:43 pm

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Its interesting how our busy lives lead to weird and funny businesses popping up. A prime example being the “rent-a-X” services in Japan, where “X” could be anything you like, from a cat or dog to husband, mother etc etc.

The kind of contract that will exist for the rent-a-relative services intrigues me and makes me want to try them out at least once. Mainly because normal relatives, not being a business proposition, do not come with any rigid guidelines for behaviour. A parent’s duty, for instance, is defined that he should take care of his children, including something pleasurable like making kiddish sounds or taking a walk as well the less desirable aspects like changing nappies, cleaning up spilt food and wiping the floor when the child throws up. All this when the baby is healthy, lets not talk about when they get ill. If new parents are never warned by their elders, they would probably not have the foggiest clue about what all work they can expect from their children. But they roll with the punches, move on and very often land up doing a fine job of it.

A rented mother website on the other hand would probably have something like the following.

1. Basic mothering package – £40/session*

1 hour of walks, 1.5 hours of  “goo-goo” sounds, 2 nappy changes per session 500gms/session of spilt food cleaning up and 2 hours of trying to stop child from crying. Well suited to the average baby.

2. High poo-ers package – £50/session*

Same as basic mothering package but with 4 nappy changes included. Excellent value for those high-pooers or if your baby has an upset stomach.

3. High-work packages – £60/session*

1 hour of walks, 1.5 hours of  “goo-goo” sounds, 4 nappy changes per session 1500gms/session of spilt food cleaning up and 2 hours of trying to stop child from crying.  Good for hyperactive kids who cause a mess!

4. Bonanza package – £80/session*

2 hour of walks, 3 hours of  “goo-goo” sounds, 4 nappy changes per session 1500gms/session of spilt food cleaning up and 3 hours of trying to stop child from crying.  A fantastic way to pamper your tiny tot.

Extra charges

1. Extra Nappy Change – £10/change

2. Extra Walks – £5/hour

3. Extra “Goo-goo” sounds – £5/hour

4. Extra spilt food cleaning – £2/100gms

5. Extra time to stop crying – £5/hour

*Session lasts for 9am-5pm on weekdays and 10am-5pm on weekends. Inclusion of any religious activities in the session must be specified at time of booking. Nappies, food and cutlery charges not included in price. Illnesses charges extra. Terms and conditions apply.

I could go on, but I am sure you get the idea. Normal relationships have such a large tacit component that trying to put all of it in a contract for someone who is out to make as much money as possible would be an interesting exercise. To support this system we will then have computer applications to track the number of nappy changes and amount of spilt food your baby is responsible for and comparison websites in which the parent can input the desired parameters and find the best deal for his baby. At the end of it all, the industry will probably employ 10000 people who will be happy to have jobs.

My favourite was the one where women about to get married hired a husband to “get used to married life”. Ignoring the somewhat sidey male-prostitute idea this description evokes, my guess is the hired “husband” will have to spend his whole day being obnoxious, sitting in front of the TV without helping his wife, farting and burping all over the place and in general being a slob. This would prepare the soon to be bride for the very worst behaviour possible, ensuring that she will be able to handle her marital life with ease.  Acting like the laziest guy alive on planet and getting paid to do it? Now won’t that be an attractive job?

Written by clueso

January 19, 2009 at 12:04 pm

And you thought humans invented the moon walk?

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If anyone thought Michael Jackson or any other human being were the first to do the Moonwalking thingy while dancing, heres proof that nature had it going long before us(as usual)

Written by clueso

October 12, 2008 at 12:11 am

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